jimmy jackson
OzCardTrader
Hi all,
I'm bored. Lots of things bug me. Feel free to add yours. Here is a selection:
MSN paranoids - Some complete goon from Canada emailed me the other day. He had ran an "MSN Block Checker" programme and determined that he was indeed on block. He wanted to find out "what my problem" was. Well gee mate, maybe I'm working or don't want to talk to you. FFS. I have now blocked his email address too
Seriously, what sort of nobjockey actually uses a programme like that?
MSN insecures - On the subject of MSN (and other IM programmes), I tend to hardly use them because they are so time-consuming. It was cool when I had nothing else to do besides looking at porn/funny videos/music, talk basketball etc., but there comes a time when every man must look himself in the eye and ask "What the **** am I doing!?" Most people who know me accept that I might not respond for a while or might suddenly have to go and it's absolutely nothing personal. I can always be contacted via email. Better still, I'm more than happy to give my number out. But some people just don't seem to get it. I have fully grown men sending me "nudges" if I don't respond to their IMs within seconds. It seriously annoys me.
Low milk - I am a coffee addict. Occasionally, milk is low. That really upsets me. I get every last drop and drink about half of my extra dark coffee in protest before chucking it down the sink.
Internet tough guys - Ever been threatened online or witness it happen? It's a travesty of human nature.
Tough guys in general - I don't like tough guys; they upset me. Perhaps the lamest possible skill to excel in is "being tough". The act itself requires one to risk injury to ones brain. This is the ultimate act of stupidity as the brain isn't even smart enough to figure out that one of its main priorities is to protect itself. If someone genuinely rates themself as being a good fighter, that's fine. Join a competition where you can fight with other meatheads. The rest of us can eat popcorn and watch you beat the shit out of each other.
Hard walkers - While on the subject of tough guys, what's with those morons who take a particular "line" on a footpath. Regardless of whether the person incoming is carrying an awkward box etc, the hard walker will not move an inch and is happy to shoulder the oncomer. This is usually followed by an over the shoulder tough guy stare.
Australian men and urinals - Is there any particular reason why blokes feel the need to piss all over the floor/walls/seats etc? I just came back from HK recently where the population is much bigger and more condensed yet their toilets were a breath of fresh air.
The Schutzenfest - What happened to it? It used to be a decent cultural festival type event. It's now an excuse for wannabee surfie/rockstar lamers to get completely paro and walk around in bare feet looking for free condoms. Sigh.
Surfie brands - Quicksilver, Roxy, Mambo etc. Why pay $85 for a cheaply made t-shirt that makes you look like a dickhead?
Women in 4WDs doing the shopping - No offense ladies, but if I have to wait for another 9 point turn in the car-park, I might just crack.
When the Aussies lose the toss - Upsets me no end. Especially on one of those hot ass days when all I have planned is a beer and a good ODI. Sri Lanka or whoever comes out and makes 180.
Cool beach people - I don't know what it's like around your neck of the woods, but where I'm from, the beaches are full of morons who don't actually go to the beach to have a quick dip on a 40 degree day. Rather, they sit in the sun wearing their finest attire (insert Roxy etc) and bake... and bake some more. You can actually smell them burning.
Tatts above a girl's ass - I can't think of anything less classy than a full on dragon creature thing strewn across a beautiful girl's back. Do they realise how poor it looks when they get to 35 and the image becomes blurry and stainlike and the saddlebags start to play a role?
Barbwire tatts on a guy's arm - The epitome of toughness. Be scared of these guys.
Football groupies - The other day, a girl called me asking for advice. She said that her date had just got up and left and she didn't understand why. Well, it turns out that she was having a conversation with him at a bar when Rhett Biglands (AFC player) walked in. They were apparently in the middle of a serious conversation when she interrupted, "OMG that's Rhett Biglands!" The guy had to go to the toilet and didn't come back . Seriously, she didn't understand how much of a moron she was. Heck, this is not Michael Jordan we are talking about...
Hewitt - I remember pre-Hewitt days. Those were good days.
Guthy Renker and her Knives - Ok I dont know for sure who sells those knives. All I can think of is Guthy Renker and the muscular groin of some middle-aged woman. I think all those infomericals blend into one when you have seen them enough times. Anyway, so that ****ing knife, the do-it-all, special grip, multi-use, forever sharp one. I've seen some ridiculous things in my life but every time I see that little ****er griding into a brick, I can't help but think, "What is his ****ing problem?". Seriously, it's 3am and there's some dipshit trying to cut a brick with a kitchen knife. That is a smack in the face for all late-nighters. They must have a profile for us, lonely, depraved, IQ=35, and in need of a brick-cutting kitchen knife. Why-o-why? I keep hoping that the brick fights back. Every time I see it, it takes 3 days off my life...
Spam- I understand the concept of spam, send a bunch of shit to millions of people, once in a while some ass will buy something and yay you make some money for a shitty product. What I DONT understand however is the marketing strategy of these clowns. Why do they pick on bald ****ers who can't get it up, are unemployed, have a small penis, can't find a root, are ageing prematurely, have got no friends, need a fake diploma, are in need of anti-depressant medication and so on? For **** sakes really. Why can't they spam me with cool stuff like fire-crackers? I just don't understand these assholes. Nor do I understand late night TV ads/programmes which leave me feeling like a fat ageing pig with a chronic masturbation problem.
Abs - Alright alright so maybe I have a bee in my bonnet. But abs. What the **** is the function of them? So many of us are on a quest to achieve "abs" - not abdominal muscles - but nutcracking, rock resistant ABS. What on earth can you do with these abs? Crack a walnut? Absorb a cricket ball throw? Open a door? Stomach muscles are probably the most useless muscles on the human body. We dont suddenly cease to function or have some disability if there is a little pinch of fat on there. Heck even the sumos seem to live into their 80's. So essentially, the only purpose of putting oneself through painful and repetitive humping/rocking/pumping ab exercises is to get that "washboard" appearance. Which leads to question number 2: does anyone really find the paved stomach look attractive? I for one do not want to grab hold of some chick and feel some hard, cold and heartless musculature. How does one grip that rock melon ass and chisled stomache. No handles = no fun. I'm not saying I desire a white pointer, but for **** sakes, if there are no loose bouncy bits then what is the point!? As for the guys, have you ever seen them in a pose for the camera? You look down and see these magnificient rock hard abs.. you browse up and see this guy with a smile that looks more like he is trying to push out a shit that is harder than his abs. I dont understand it, never have, never will.
Cinema volume - OK maybe I'm getting old. But is there any need for the cinema to set the volume so high? I get the ****ing picture already, it's a creaky door. Yes indeed, machine guns make loud noises.
Fast food sauce shewdies - This one really shits me. Now, I don't have high expectations when I drive through Maccas etc. I'm buying slops and I accept that. But how ****ing hard can it be to remember to bundle my damn sauce in the bag. Damnit. They even charge an extra 25 cents for it. There was actually one occasion where I asked for a sweet and sour sauce and the morons put the sauce all over my burger That really hurt. I ate it in protest.
That'll do for now.
I'm bored. Lots of things bug me. Feel free to add yours. Here is a selection:
MSN paranoids - Some complete goon from Canada emailed me the other day. He had ran an "MSN Block Checker" programme and determined that he was indeed on block. He wanted to find out "what my problem" was. Well gee mate, maybe I'm working or don't want to talk to you. FFS. I have now blocked his email address too
Seriously, what sort of nobjockey actually uses a programme like that? MSN insecures - On the subject of MSN (and other IM programmes), I tend to hardly use them because they are so time-consuming. It was cool when I had nothing else to do besides looking at porn/funny videos/music, talk basketball etc., but there comes a time when every man must look himself in the eye and ask "What the **** am I doing!?" Most people who know me accept that I might not respond for a while or might suddenly have to go and it's absolutely nothing personal. I can always be contacted via email. Better still, I'm more than happy to give my number out. But some people just don't seem to get it. I have fully grown men sending me "nudges" if I don't respond to their IMs within seconds. It seriously annoys me.
Low milk - I am a coffee addict. Occasionally, milk is low. That really upsets me. I get every last drop and drink about half of my extra dark coffee in protest before chucking it down the sink.
Internet tough guys - Ever been threatened online or witness it happen? It's a travesty of human nature.
Tough guys in general - I don't like tough guys; they upset me. Perhaps the lamest possible skill to excel in is "being tough". The act itself requires one to risk injury to ones brain. This is the ultimate act of stupidity as the brain isn't even smart enough to figure out that one of its main priorities is to protect itself. If someone genuinely rates themself as being a good fighter, that's fine. Join a competition where you can fight with other meatheads. The rest of us can eat popcorn and watch you beat the shit out of each other.
Hard walkers - While on the subject of tough guys, what's with those morons who take a particular "line" on a footpath. Regardless of whether the person incoming is carrying an awkward box etc, the hard walker will not move an inch and is happy to shoulder the oncomer. This is usually followed by an over the shoulder tough guy stare.
Australian men and urinals - Is there any particular reason why blokes feel the need to piss all over the floor/walls/seats etc? I just came back from HK recently where the population is much bigger and more condensed yet their toilets were a breath of fresh air.
The Schutzenfest - What happened to it? It used to be a decent cultural festival type event. It's now an excuse for wannabee surfie/rockstar lamers to get completely paro and walk around in bare feet looking for free condoms. Sigh.
Surfie brands - Quicksilver, Roxy, Mambo etc. Why pay $85 for a cheaply made t-shirt that makes you look like a dickhead?
Women in 4WDs doing the shopping - No offense ladies, but if I have to wait for another 9 point turn in the car-park, I might just crack.
When the Aussies lose the toss - Upsets me no end. Especially on one of those hot ass days when all I have planned is a beer and a good ODI. Sri Lanka or whoever comes out and makes 180.
Cool beach people - I don't know what it's like around your neck of the woods, but where I'm from, the beaches are full of morons who don't actually go to the beach to have a quick dip on a 40 degree day. Rather, they sit in the sun wearing their finest attire (insert Roxy etc) and bake... and bake some more. You can actually smell them burning.
Tatts above a girl's ass - I can't think of anything less classy than a full on dragon creature thing strewn across a beautiful girl's back. Do they realise how poor it looks when they get to 35 and the image becomes blurry and stainlike and the saddlebags start to play a role?
Barbwire tatts on a guy's arm - The epitome of toughness. Be scared of these guys.
Football groupies - The other day, a girl called me asking for advice. She said that her date had just got up and left and she didn't understand why. Well, it turns out that she was having a conversation with him at a bar when Rhett Biglands (AFC player) walked in. They were apparently in the middle of a serious conversation when she interrupted, "OMG that's Rhett Biglands!" The guy had to go to the toilet and didn't come back
. Seriously, she didn't understand how much of a moron she was. Heck, this is not Michael Jordan we are talking about... Hewitt - I remember pre-Hewitt days. Those were good days.
Guthy Renker and her Knives - Ok I dont know for sure who sells those knives. All I can think of is Guthy Renker and the muscular groin of some middle-aged woman. I think all those infomericals blend into one when you have seen them enough times. Anyway, so that ****ing knife, the do-it-all, special grip, multi-use, forever sharp one. I've seen some ridiculous things in my life but every time I see that little ****er griding into a brick, I can't help but think, "What is his ****ing problem?". Seriously, it's 3am and there's some dipshit trying to cut a brick with a kitchen knife. That is a smack in the face for all late-nighters. They must have a profile for us, lonely, depraved, IQ=35, and in need of a brick-cutting kitchen knife. Why-o-why? I keep hoping that the brick fights back. Every time I see it, it takes 3 days off my life...
Spam- I understand the concept of spam, send a bunch of shit to millions of people, once in a while some ass will buy something and yay you make some money for a shitty product. What I DONT understand however is the marketing strategy of these clowns. Why do they pick on bald ****ers who can't get it up, are unemployed, have a small penis, can't find a root, are ageing prematurely, have got no friends, need a fake diploma, are in need of anti-depressant medication and so on? For **** sakes really. Why can't they spam me with cool stuff like fire-crackers? I just don't understand these assholes. Nor do I understand late night TV ads/programmes which leave me feeling like a fat ageing pig with a chronic masturbation problem.
Abs - Alright alright so maybe I have a bee in my bonnet. But abs. What the **** is the function of them? So many of us are on a quest to achieve "abs" - not abdominal muscles - but nutcracking, rock resistant ABS. What on earth can you do with these abs? Crack a walnut? Absorb a cricket ball throw? Open a door? Stomach muscles are probably the most useless muscles on the human body. We dont suddenly cease to function or have some disability if there is a little pinch of fat on there. Heck even the sumos seem to live into their 80's. So essentially, the only purpose of putting oneself through painful and repetitive humping/rocking/pumping ab exercises is to get that "washboard" appearance. Which leads to question number 2: does anyone really find the paved stomach look attractive? I for one do not want to grab hold of some chick and feel some hard, cold and heartless musculature. How does one grip that rock melon ass and chisled stomache. No handles = no fun. I'm not saying I desire a white pointer, but for **** sakes, if there are no loose bouncy bits then what is the point!? As for the guys, have you ever seen them in a pose for the camera? You look down and see these magnificient rock hard abs.. you browse up and see this guy with a smile that looks more like he is trying to push out a shit that is harder than his abs. I dont understand it, never have, never will.
Cinema volume - OK maybe I'm getting old. But is there any need for the cinema to set the volume so high? I get the ****ing picture already, it's a creaky door. Yes indeed, machine guns make loud noises.
Fast food sauce shewdies - This one really shits me. Now, I don't have high expectations when I drive through Maccas etc. I'm buying slops and I accept that. But how ****ing hard can it be to remember to bundle my damn sauce in the bag. Damnit. They even charge an extra 25 cents for it. There was actually one occasion where I asked for a sweet and sour sauce and the morons put the sauce all over my burger
That really hurt. I ate it in protest.That'll do for now.
